Yes, it has been over a year since my last blog post. Yes, I realize that only like 5 people have ever read my blog. And yes, I understand probably no one cares what I have to say.
But. If by some crazy miracle, someone does read this blog and gets a little something out of it, then me typing this out will be worth it.
If I feel motivated to continue my journey, then typing this will be worth it.
So, what has happened in my life in the past year? Well, we adopted a dog, got married, I dislocated my patella again, and I gained back half of the weight it took me almost 2 years to lose.
I feel like a total and complete failure. I got down to my lowest weight in years 200 lbs. I felt like I looked great, I felt amazing, and had so much energy. But then I got complacent, I stopped exercising as much, I started eating poorly again, and before I realized it, in less than a year, I was back up to 225 lbs. I feel like crap, I'm bloated, my clothes are too tight, I'm lazy and winded. And with all of this, I still can't seem to find the motivation to get back in it and regain my healthy habits.
I have no idea why I can't just snap out of it and jump back into my healthy lifestyle. I dislocated my knee again a little over a month ago and it was very traumatic. I had to be given a ton of drugs and taken by ambulance to the hospital to have it set. My Ortho Dr said one of the contributing reasons to my frequent patellar dislocations is my weight. Because I am heavy. Another reason I should be changing my habits is I would like to have a family in the future. I know it is much harder to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and deliver a healthy baby when you are overweight.
So, why in the hell can't I find the motivation to get my life together and eat right and exercise? I know what I need to do to lose the weight, but I just can't seem to stick with it.
So, after two or three months of just hating myself and shaming myself for not losing enough weight or not eating healthy and exercising each day, I really thought long and hard about it. Back when I was feeling my best, I was exercising because it made me feel good. I was eating foods I liked, just in moderation. Most of all, I loved myself.
Throughout the past year, while I've fallen more in love with my husband and my pup, I seem to have lost the love I had at one point for myself.
I've reflected more and more on this. And the more I think about it, I am really kicking ass and killing it in life. I work hard, have an amazing job, a fantastic marriage, and my life is pretty damn good. I have bounced back from my knee injury so quickly, and my eye makeup game is on point.
Life is so hard, life is so scary and mean. We really need to love ourselves. If it isn't something we would say to our best friend, then we shouldn't say it to ourselves. We need to be our own best friend.
So, even when I feel like I am a total failure due to the number on the scale or size of my jeans, I think about all of the great things I have accomplished and the things I have to be thankful for in life. I'm not a total failure, I am actually killing it in life and I am so proud of myself.
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